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[censored] to [censored]. 

Welcome back to the 12th episode of The Grand Tour: “[censored] to [censored]” was released last Friday, the 27th of January on Amazon Prime. This week, the show comes once again from the shores of Loch Ness in Scotland. Here is a list of all the cars in the twelfth episode of The Grand Tour that are for sale on JamesEdition:

The presenters travel to Wank (Germany) where May in a Bentley Bentayga, Clarkson in a Range Rover, and Hammond in a Jaguar F-Pace plan a road trip on the Romantic Road via Kissing (Bavaria) then Petting (Bavaria), to Fucking (Austria). 

Bentley Bentayga

First, have a look at this. A massive, luxurious, four-wheel-drive SUV shooting brake. Here to be seen on JamesEdition. The question is, is it any good? To find out, James brought it to the German Alps. James: “Right, I’ll get straight to the point. It is tremendous. The important thing to remember about this car is this. It’s not an off-roader, it’s not an SUV. First and foremost, it’s a Bentley. That’s what this car is about. I’m loving it. Besides, the Bentley has an all-new W12 600-horsepower engine, and it’s like being in a leather-trimmed volcanic eruption. It doesn’t accelerate, it goes off.”

Range Rover 

However, for much less than the Bentley, you can have this car. An all-singing, all-dancing, everything-fitted-as-standard 5L supercharged Range Rover, listed here on JamesEdition. Clarkson: “You could launch a car that does a million miles an hour and costs 8p and runs on water, and people would still buy Range Rovers, because why would you not?”

Jaguar F-Pace

Or, you can have this, the new Jaguar F-PACE, here for sale on JamesEdition. It’s not like this thing is a garden shed. It’s got loads of clever stuff on it. For example, if you’re coming back from the shops with your arms full of heavy bags, you can open the boot with your foot. And you get a waterproof, go-anywhere bracelet with it that you use to lock and unlock the SUV. Besides, it enables you to start the engine, so you don’t need to carry keys in your pocket. Clarkson: “That… That’s actually quite a good idea.”

Hammond: “Now, you might be thinking that because Jaguar is owned by the same company that own Land Rover, this is just a Freelander with a Jaguar badge on it, but it’s not. Underneath is the same basic aluminium structure you find under a Jaguar XE, which is a fantastic car, so that’s good. I do only get a 3L supercharged V6, which means 375 brake horsepower. That’s 225 less than James’s Bentley. But this is light, so it ain’t no slouch.”

And then… the presenters received a text from Mr. Wilman, the producer of the show. It said that to sort out the performance differences, the trio should go to a nearby airstrip, where they’d laid on some competition.

BMW X5 M

So they did. And this is what they were up against: The BMW X5 M, listed here on JamesEdition. A 4.4L, twin-turbocharged, 567 horsepower SUV, that is fairly serious competition. Are you curious about the outcome of this race? Then see this weeks show on Amazon by clicking here.

Porsche 911 GT3 RS 

Also in this weeks show, launch control. The thing is these days; a lot of performance cars have launch control. So has this Porsche 911 GT3 RS, for sale here on JamesEdition. The way it works is you put your foot on the throttle and brake at the same time, and the car’s computer works out exactly how many revs you need and exactly how much wheelspin to give the car so that you get an absolutely perfect start as soon as you just take your foot off the brake.  

The question arises then, when exactly can you use that? The thing is, you can’t… You can’t even use launch control on a racetrack, because you can only engage it for three or four seconds before it cuts out. And because you don’t know when the lights are gonna go green, you don’t know when your three seconds start, do you? Exactly, which is why the presenters have decided it is the most pointless invention ever. However, the car itself remains absolutely astonishing.

By Thomas van Doorn

 

 

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